Why Perinatal Grief is So Complicated
and how support groups may help
“A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A
child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child,
that's how awful the loss is!” - Neugeboren
When a loved one dies, each person reacts differently. Individual responses are influenced by many factors including the person's life experiences, coping skills, personality, age, gender, family and cultural background, support and/or belief systems, and even the death or the type of death that occurred. Even though each person experiences grief in his/her own way, many parents who are grieving the loss of a baby express common responses such as shock, sadness, confusion, and dismay. Sometimes, parents may not even seem sure of who they are and may feel as if they have lost an integral part of their very being. Such a devastating loss often provokes a sense that the pain will last forever, a sense that the grief is etched into one's very being.
As part of the grieving process, bereaved parents experience ups and downs and a literal roller coaster of emotions. For most grieving parents, it is vitally important to verbalize the pain, to talk about what happened, to ask questions, and puzzle aloud, sometimes over and over. Experts in bereavement care explain the importance of parents to express their emotions and feelings outwardly so that they will not turn inward and possibly become a destructive force in the future.
As part of the grieving process, bereaved parents experience ups and downs and a literal roller coaster of emotions. For most grieving parents, it is vitally important to verbalize the pain, to talk about what happened, to ask questions, and puzzle aloud, sometimes over and over. Experts in bereavement care explain the importance of parents to express their emotions and feelings outwardly so that they will not turn inward and possibly become a destructive force in the future.
“Grief is a complicated, evolving human process. Its universality binds sufferers together. More is
shared than is different.” - Arnold & Gemma
Grieving parents often feel alone, disconnected, and alienated. For many, the death of a child is such an overwhelming event that responses may often be baffling not only to others but to themselves as well. Emotional, spiritual, and physical reactions may seem overly intense, contradictory, or even puzzling. There is nothing that can prepare a parent for its enormity or devastation or for the fact that grief never ends but only changes in intensity and manner of expression. Grief affects the head, the heart, and the spirit.
The death of a child is “unnatural” and shocking. Children are supposed to outlive their parents. The loss of an unborn or newly born baby is also the loss of hopes, dreams, and plans. It means coming to terms with untold emptiness and deep emotional hurt. Immediately after the death, some parents may even find it impossible to express grief at all as many experience a period of shock and numbness. Parents must find ways to get through, not over, their grief.
Support groups can provide something that can’t be found in individual counseling or on your own. They provide a safe haven where no explanations are necessary, and grief doesn’t have to be defended. Bereaved parents treat each other with dignity and respect. There is no fear of judgment, and grief is not avoided or evaded.
We have learned that a person's ability to satisfactorily resolve his/her grief issues is in direct proportion to his/her finding suitable ways to express their feelings. Self-help support groups provide a valuable means of understanding, sharing, and resolving painful feelings. These groups are usually made up of parents helping other grieving parents and may be facilitated by a professional. Although individual experiences may be different, the common bond these parents share are their feelings. An individual’s healing will be helped by sharing with and learning from the experience of others.
Participants learn that grief is a process and that certain symptoms and responses are common. Grief makes you feel crazy but that doesn’t mean you are insane. A down day is not a relapse, and a good day is not a cure. Other people may say horrible things when attempting to comfort you. There are techniques that can be used to help yourself. The sun will shine again, and moving forward doesn’t mean that you will forget your baby or stop loving your baby. Guidance, support, and mutual understanding are obtained from others who have also "been there." Parents learn to be compassionate, gentle, and patient with themselves and each other.
Support groups provide an opportunity to share feelings and emotions with people who will understand and acknowledge what you are feeling and saying. Parents can allow themselves to cry, be angry, and complain. They can admit they are overwhelmed, distracted, and unable to focus or concentrate. They can admit to themselves and others any physical and emotional symptoms that they can’t explain or understand.
Probably the most important step for parents in their grief journey is to allow themselves to heal. Parents need to come to understand that healing doesn't mean forgetting. They need to be good to themselves and absolve themselves from guilt. They should not be afraid to let grief loosen its grip on them when the time comes. Easing away from intense grief may sometimes cause pain, fear, and guilt for a while, but eventually, it usually allows parents to come to a new and more peaceful place in their journey. Allowing grief's place to become a lesser one does not mean abandoning the child who died. Realize that your grief is born out of unconditional love for your child and rejoice in that love which will never end. Embracing life again is not a sign that you have stopped missing your baby, but an example of a love that is eternal.
The death of a child is “unnatural” and shocking. Children are supposed to outlive their parents. The loss of an unborn or newly born baby is also the loss of hopes, dreams, and plans. It means coming to terms with untold emptiness and deep emotional hurt. Immediately after the death, some parents may even find it impossible to express grief at all as many experience a period of shock and numbness. Parents must find ways to get through, not over, their grief.
Support groups can provide something that can’t be found in individual counseling or on your own. They provide a safe haven where no explanations are necessary, and grief doesn’t have to be defended. Bereaved parents treat each other with dignity and respect. There is no fear of judgment, and grief is not avoided or evaded.
We have learned that a person's ability to satisfactorily resolve his/her grief issues is in direct proportion to his/her finding suitable ways to express their feelings. Self-help support groups provide a valuable means of understanding, sharing, and resolving painful feelings. These groups are usually made up of parents helping other grieving parents and may be facilitated by a professional. Although individual experiences may be different, the common bond these parents share are their feelings. An individual’s healing will be helped by sharing with and learning from the experience of others.
Participants learn that grief is a process and that certain symptoms and responses are common. Grief makes you feel crazy but that doesn’t mean you are insane. A down day is not a relapse, and a good day is not a cure. Other people may say horrible things when attempting to comfort you. There are techniques that can be used to help yourself. The sun will shine again, and moving forward doesn’t mean that you will forget your baby or stop loving your baby. Guidance, support, and mutual understanding are obtained from others who have also "been there." Parents learn to be compassionate, gentle, and patient with themselves and each other.
Support groups provide an opportunity to share feelings and emotions with people who will understand and acknowledge what you are feeling and saying. Parents can allow themselves to cry, be angry, and complain. They can admit they are overwhelmed, distracted, and unable to focus or concentrate. They can admit to themselves and others any physical and emotional symptoms that they can’t explain or understand.
Probably the most important step for parents in their grief journey is to allow themselves to heal. Parents need to come to understand that healing doesn't mean forgetting. They need to be good to themselves and absolve themselves from guilt. They should not be afraid to let grief loosen its grip on them when the time comes. Easing away from intense grief may sometimes cause pain, fear, and guilt for a while, but eventually, it usually allows parents to come to a new and more peaceful place in their journey. Allowing grief's place to become a lesser one does not mean abandoning the child who died. Realize that your grief is born out of unconditional love for your child and rejoice in that love which will never end. Embracing life again is not a sign that you have stopped missing your baby, but an example of a love that is eternal.
Atlanta(404) 851.8177
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cherokee(770) 224.1817
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