Why Perinatal Grief is So Complicated

Grieving Your Loss

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“A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an   orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's   how awful the loss is!”         - Neugeboren

The loss of a baby is unlike any other grief. It is the loss of the future, the vision you had of what your family will look like, and of your hopes and dreams for that child. It is shocking and feels unnatural because parents are supposed to outlive their children. For most people, there are few tangible keepsakes to remember their baby, and very limited memories. It is the lack of memories and experiences which differentiate this type of loss from any other, leaving the mourner with very little to lean on in their grief. Because of this lack of understanding, many people don't get the support they need to grieve openly.

Grieving parents often feel alone, disconnected, and alienated. Emotional, spiritual, and physical responses may seem overly intense, contradictory, or even puzzling. Grief affects the head, the heart, and the spirit and will feel like a roller coaster of emotions. Parents must find ways to get through, not over, their grief.

For this reason, attending or joining a support group can be an essential part of a healing journey.  Within these groups, bereaved parents can share their stories and bring challenges to the group for guidance and to help them find ways through their grief.  H.E.A.R.T.strings offers several types of support groups, and we also provide information on other resources as well.

For most grieving parents, it is vitally important to verbalize the pain, to talk about what happened, to ask questions, and puzzle aloud, sometimes over and over. Experts in bereavement care explain the importance of parents to express their emotions and feelings outwardly so that they will not turn inward and possibly become a destructive force in the future.

Ways to Remember
Grief is a process of remembering, of learning how to continue the bond while living without your baby in your arms. One of the ways you can remember your baby is by sharing your story. This can be done by attending support groups and remembrance events, journaling or blogging, finding those in your circles who are good listeners and companions to your journey. It can also mean writing to your baby, making donations in their memory, or lighting a candle for them on special occasions.

What distinguishes grief in women who have suffered miscarriages   - from other types of grief - is that there are no memories, there is no object to grieve, and other people are unaware of the woman's loss.  
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Adolfsson & Larsson (2009)

Probably the most important step in your grief journey is allowing yourself to heal. Healing doesn't mean forgetting. You need to be good to yourself and absolve yourself from guilt. Don’t be afraid to let grief loosen its grip on you when the time comes. Easing away from intense grief may sometimes cause pain, fear, and guilt for a while, but eventually, it usually allows parents to come to a new and more peaceful place in their journey. Allowing grief's place to become a lesser one does not mean abandoning the child who died. Realize that your grief is born out of love for your child and rejoice in that love which will never end. Embracing life again is not a sign that you have stopped missing your baby, but an example of a love that is eternal.

A person’s a person, no matter how small. - Dr. Suess