Holidays and Grief

​As you look ahead to the last months of the year, you may be filled with a sense of dread and fear. How do you prepare for the holidays when you are grieving? Will traditions help or not? How do you respond to social invitations? The general joy and festivity around you may leave you feeling alone and forgotten. For many mourners, the anticipation of the actual day is worse than when the day itself dawns; however, there are steps you can take to find balance during this season.

Plan ahead, assess traditions and communicate your wishes:

  • Have a way to remember your baby during the holidays. This can mean having a special candle on a table, note paper to invite others to write a remembrance for you or your baby, donating in memory of your baby (and sharing this activity with others as a way for them to support you).
  • Think about the traditions your family has enjoyed, and decide whether to do them this time. Sometimes familiarity helps, and sometimes it doesn’t. There is nothing wrong with changing or adding a new tradition. Maybe this year, Thanksgiving means a trip away on your own, forgoing the family meal. Or, maybe it means ordering your meal, rather than cooking it. Change the time of meals or present-opening. Make some changes if it feels comfortable.
  • It is important to communicate your wishes to your family and friends. They will be unsure of how to support you, and worry that they will make things worse if they mention your baby or your baby’s name.
  • Remind them you are always thinking about your baby, and that it provides comfort to know that others are remembering your baby too. Consider inviting them into the remembrance rituals you are planning.
  • Responding to “Happy Holidays!” and other holiday greetings can leave those in mourning at a loss for how to respond. Consider saying, “all the best to you and your family” or just “thank you”. Write out what you want to say in response to people who ask how you are doing, and practice it so that you can deliver the response more smoothly.

Self-care:

  • Being social might not seem appealing, but you may not need to avoid all invitations. Choose selectively, and have an exit strategy if you go to parties.
  • Be good to yourself: focus on nutrition, rest, exercise. Examine your priorities and focus on doing things that are meaningful to you during this time, rather than things you “should” do.
  • Do something good for someone else – it is a proven way to feel better. Feeling joy is not a betrayal, nor does it mean you have “forgotten” your sweet baby. Allow yourself time for sadness, as well as feeling joyfulness.

Use your support system and organized grief support resources:

  • Make sure that you have a shoulder to lean on to express your grief. This companion does not need to try to “fix” you, but simply listen and let you pour out your feelings.
  • Access support groups and online resources for groups and printed materials.
Remember, you are not alone.
The holidays are challenging for many people, and for many reasons.
We are thinking of you.
Something to Share with Family and Friends
“So if someone you love is missing their little one this year, can I just make a recommendation for the greatest gift you can give them? It won’t cost much. It could cost nothing. But it will be something they will love and remember you fondly for."

THE GIFT OF USING THEIR BABY'S NAME
  • Say it out loud. Include it on a Christmas card. “Remembering _______ with you this Christmas.”
  • Give an ornament that has it on there. Maybe a piece of jewelry with it engraved in beautiful letters.
  • ANYTHING. I promise they will treasure it.”
Excerpted from “Their names”, posted on December 2, 2013 by Eileen Tully