Loss of a Multiple
The death of a baby during or after a pregnancy is devastating. Losing one or more babies from a set of multiples is indescribable, complicated, and often misunderstood. With a surviving baby from a set of multiples, your friends and family may want you to focus on the survivor(s) and not understand that you simultaneously need to grieve the loss of their sibling(s). Early in your pregnancy, you joined the "multiples club" and your mind raced ahead to try to figure out how to plan for two or more babies arriving at the same time. The loss of this community is also felt.
It is important to give yourself time to grieve regardless of when the loss of your multiple occurred. Perhaps you had a Vanishing Twin, or an early gestational loss and carried the babies to deliver them both/all, or maybe you suffered the loss of your precious baby during a NICU stay. Experiencing the death of your baby does not mean you don’t love and appreciate the fact that you got to take a baby home. It just means that you are devastated that those dreams you had of sets of two or three…have been taken away and you need time to adjust and to allow for a new reality to set in.
It is important to give yourself time to grieve regardless of when the loss of your multiple occurred. Perhaps you had a Vanishing Twin, or an early gestational loss and carried the babies to deliver them both/all, or maybe you suffered the loss of your precious baby during a NICU stay. Experiencing the death of your baby does not mean you don’t love and appreciate the fact that you got to take a baby home. It just means that you are devastated that those dreams you had of sets of two or three…have been taken away and you need time to adjust and to allow for a new reality to set in.
"Losing a multiple while taking care of your survivor(s) leaves parents in a very strange place. Mourning a loss while celebrating new life isn’t something many people (even our families) can relate to. Butterfly M.O.M.s has been a saving grace for parents in this new and rare situation. Knowing we’re not alone and navigating life after loss has positively impacted parents as well as the surviving multiple(s) through each life stage as they come up. I’m so grateful to have Butterfly M.O.M.s and its members, especially as my children get older and start to understand more about being a surviving multiple. It’s a very special kind of support that translates beyond our initial loss.” - Mauri, Butterfly M.O.M.s Participant
Finding a new community, where your loss is understood, is also important. Our Butterfly M.O.M.s (Missing Our Multiples) group is a place where moms have reported, “finally feeling like I fit” – being able to talk about the joys of taking care of a newborn but also sharing the struggle of planning a birthday party and recognizing the missing child, and wondering how to talk to the survivor about their sibling. We welcome you to join this social and support group by completing this form.
The Butterfly MOMs group meets for social time and meaningful dialogue.
Butterfly M.O.M.s
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This social and support group is for parents who have a surviving multiple(s) and are coping with the joys and challenges of creating a future without one (or more) of their multiples. Join us for friendship and dialogue as we navigate this unique path in parenthood. To join the private Facebook group, please contact us.
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Butterfly M.O.M.s families meet for a picnic
WEB RESOURCES
- C.L.I.M.B. (Center for Loss in Multiple Birth) - Parents throughout the United States, Canada, Australia, New Zealand and beyond who have experienced the death of one or more, both or all of our twins or higher multiples at any time from conception through birth, infancy and childhood. International site run by parents who have experienced the death of one or more of their multiples at any time from conception through birth, infancy and childhood.
- Fertile Thoughts: Selective Reduction and Termination due to Health Issues - Discussion board for families dealing with Selective Reduction and Termination due to medical issues.
- Forever Angels, Loss in the Womb - Discussion board for parents.
- Miracle Babies Foundation, Loss of your Twin or Triplet Baby - Guidance following loss.
- Multifetal Pregnancy Reduction - Forum provided by The Labor of Love
- Twinless Twins - Twinless Twins Support Group, International (TTSGI) exists to provide a safe and compassionate community for twinless twins to experience healing and understanding. We provide support for twins and other multiples who have lost their twin due to death or estrangement at any age. link:
- Twinlist.org, Bereavement Resources - Provides links to resources.
- The Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome Foundation - International organization dedicated to providing educational, emotional and financial support to families before, during and after diagnosis of twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome.
- Twinloss, New Zealand - Online Facebook group based out of New Zealand.
ARTICLES
- Coping with the Loss of a Twin- Information on the loss of a twin baby during pregnancy and what to expect after.
- When Joy Lives Alongside Grief: Losing a Twin During Pregnancy - Wonderful article about navigating pregnancy and life after the loss of a multiple.
- When One Twin Baby Lives, but the Other Dies - Article written by Obstetrician Dr. Karen O’Brien who shares the experience of a few of her patients who lost a twin, reflections on how to support them, what to say and what not to say, and the observation of the uniqueness of this loss.
Recommended Reading
- Coming to Term: A Father's Story of Birth, Loss, and Survival (Woodwell) A poignant story of a couple's first pregnancy with twins, premature birth, early neonatal death of one twin and the long hospitalization of the survivor before homecoming. Told from the father's point of view, it chronicles facts, emotions, decisions and coping through the family's long ordeal. With death and mourning for Nina juxtaposed with worries for Josie, this book gives an honest, revealing look at one family's experienced with a mixed outcome from a multiple birth.
- Embracing Laura (Wegner-Hay) Parents facing the difficult decision of selective reduction when one of their twins had almost no chance of survival due to lethal anomalies and the sick baby could affect the chance of survival of the healthy twin. Includes parent & sibling grief, support during pregnancy, delivery, after delivery, creating memories of lost twin.
- How to Survive When One Twin Dies: One Woman’s Journey Through twin Loss During Pregnancy (Burley) An open and frank account by the author of holding within herself one living and one dead child, giving light and hope for others.
- The Lone Twin (Woodward) Surveys adult bereaved twin reactions to loss from all causes, includes some accounts of positive or neutral reactions.
- Twin Loss (Brandt) Dr. Brandt's observations, opinions, advice, and poetry interspersed with letters and comments from bereaved twins, this book covers a broad range of loss scenarios from pre-birth through adulthood, with advice on helping the bereaved twin and family through acute and later grief.
