Resources for Grandparents

When a grandchild dies, the grief of grandparents is complicated because not only do they mourn for their grandchild, but they also feel the helplessness of not being able to take away the pain felt so intensely by the parents of their grandchild, one of whom is their own child. Both parents and grandparents have lost a part of their future.
The hardest part about losing a grandchild is staying strong to support your children when you yourself are devastated and heart broken. Sometimes I think grandparents are the forgotten mourners. While the focus rightfully should be on our children, a simple acknowledgement that we too suffered an incredible loss would be so very comforting. Our grandson is tucked safely away in our hearts. He will forever more be a part of our family’s history.
 
Sorting out your own feelings of grief and trying to find ways to be helpful for your son or daughter can be confusing and overwhelming. You may set aside your own grief as you focus on the grief of your child. You may feel angry, cheated, frustrated, powerless, or overwhelmed. You may see changes in your child that make you feel alienated, unloved, or intrusive when what you really want is to be helpful and supportive. Please remember that this is a very confusing time for your son or daughter too. They may lash out at you as you attempt to help or make suggestions about such things as funeral arrangements, care of other children in the home, or ideas about ways to assist in the healing process. On the other hand, your son or daughter may simply withdraw from daily living, become unresponsive and deeply depressed by the loss of their child. It is not possible to predict how a person will respond to a loss such as this and your own child may become as a stranger in your life, compounding the loss you feel as a grandparent.

Nothing can ever completely take away the pain of losing a grandchild. The void in your life will always be there. What will change however, is the searing, numbing pain that is so much a part of your life early after the loss.
WEB RESOURCES

Recommended Reading

  • Bereaved Grandparents  (Gerner) Addresses the grief that grandparents feel when their children have a child die.
  • A Forgotten Tears: A Grandmother's Journey Through Grief (Bennett) is for anyone who has had a loss or knows someone who has had a loss.  It is not only the touching story surrounding the stillbirth of Bennett's granddaughter, but it also validates grandparents as grievers, discusses the process of redefining "normal" after the death of a grandchild, and touches on the complexity of being a grieving grandparent and a "strong" parent to your children who are suffering the loss of their child.  This book is not only helpful for grandparents to read, but it is also extremely enlightening for parents, aunts, uncles, other relatives, friends, healthcare providers, and clergy. 
  • Grandma's Tears (Kolf) Offers support and hope to grandparents who are often overlooked when a grandchild dies and who carry a double burden--the loss of their grandchild and the sorrow of their own grieving children
  • Grandparents Cry Twice (Reed) About grandparents' dual sorrow when a grandchild dies.
  • A Grandparent's Sorrow (Schweibert) Includes ideas on how grandparents can help themselves as they grieve, how to better understand their child during this difficult time, and how to keep the memory of their grandchild.
  • Relative Grief (edited by Jenkins & Merry)  Parents, grandparents, children, siblings and partners share their experiences of losing close relatives and friends (not specific to perinatal loss).
  • When a Grandchild Dies (Galinsky)  Honors the unique grief of grandparents and includes stories and quotes from those who have experienced such a loss.