They Say There is a Reason
They say there is a reason
they say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason
will change the way I feel.
For no one knows the heartache
that lies behind our smiles,
No one knows how many times
we have broken down and cried.
We want to tell you something
so there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
but so hard to be without.
- author unknown
Just Those Few Weeks
For just those few weeks . . .
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks . . .
I came to know you and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks . . .
when I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams and aspirations.
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks . . .
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
a truly unique person has recently died,
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks . . .
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw
day after endless day.
No one would,
so why am I?
You were just those few weeks, my little one.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life richer and
to give me a small glimpse of eternity.
- S. Erling
• I’m sorry
• I don’t know what to say
• I don’t know how you feel but I want to try to help you if I can
• This must be so hard for you, I can’t imagine what you are feeling
• It isn’t fair
• Take all the time that you need
• I don’t know why it happened
• I’m so sad for you
• I understand that you are angry
• I understand that you are hurt
• I understand that you feel guilty
• It’s ok to cry
• What do you need right now?
What Doesn’t Help:
• I know how you feel
• He’s in a better place
• You need to move on, get on with your life
• You need closure
• She is with God now
• God needed him more than you did
• Things happen for a reason
• She will no longer be in pain
• You are so strong
• Count your blessings
• Luckily, you have other children
• Don’t cry
• You shouldn’t feel like that
"Do not judge our grief reactions. Each person is an individual and will have his/her own coping skills and life experience that they bring to the loss. Each of us will deal with this grief in our own ways."
Grief does not have a time frame, nor does it ever really end. It is important not to have expectations that we will ever be "finished" or "get over" the death of our children.
The "stages and phases" of grief that you may be familiar with (denial, anger, bargaining, etc) may not be clear or even seem to apply when a child has died. Grief doesn't go away, but it does change with time. The raw pain and heartache will ease, but the love for this baby will not ever end.
Grieving and mourning is about REMEMBERING and finding a place for our baby in our hearts and their lives. It is NOT about forgetting.
We are not contagious. Don't be afraid to talk to us.
Remember our babies. We haven't forgotten, and we don't want you to forget, either.
Ask me how I am doing and understand that sometimes I won't feel like talking about it.
We might cry when we talk about our babies. That's because we are sad and miss our babies. Not because you asked.
Ask to see the baby's pictures, footprints, handprints, or other mementos. It may make you uncomfortable, but it's important that we get to share these special, treasured items and that we get to "brag" about our babies.