Fathers and Grief
Most men find that they grieve differently from women. Sometimes, men aren’t even given a chance to grieve at all because they are expected to “be strong” and to take care of everyone else. Other men may feel they didn’t have the same connection to the pregnancy and the baby that the moms did and therefore find it difficult to understand what she is feeling. It can be frustrating when there is nothing you can do to “fix” the sadness or to make yourself or anyone else feel better. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve. The important thing is that you acknowledge your feelings, whatever they are, and that you have an opportunity to express and share those feelings.
Recommended Reading
A Guide for Father's: When a Baby Dies (Nelson)
This pocket sized book is for men who experience the death of their infant child -- whether it be miscarriage, stillbirth or early infant death. Meant to be a guide during the early hours and days after finding out the news of their baby's death, the book offers suggestions for communicating with medical caregivers, offering support to their partner, telling the news to other children, making funeral arrangements, and taking care of themselves in a time of crisis. It goes on to talk about effective communications during the weeks and months following the loss, going to a support group, returning to the workplace, and the issues surrounding a subsequent pregnancy.
Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing (Golden)
A lot of men don't buy "self-help books" and are skeptical about "psychobabble." This short, simple, and straightforward book is something that men can relate to. It also gives a lot of insights to women, why may not understand that men grieve differently from women.
A Man You Know is Grieving: 12 Ideas for Helping Him Heal From Loss (Golden)
Practical book for both men and women
After the Death of a Child (Finkbeiner)
Couple Communication After A Baby Dies (Ilse and Tim Nelson)
The Ilse's and the Nelson's have endured over 20+ years each of the ups, downs, and togetherness since their babies died. They share their intimate journeys and offer support. Thoughts from other couples are included and a section of thought-provoking questions and conversation starters. This book deals with these questions and more: What becomes the biggest challenge for bereaved parents after their baby dies? Do men feel overwhelmed, out of control, and ignored soon after their baby dies? What can they do about it, and how do they work to keep their relationship with their wives strong? After some time has passed, how does couple communication change and grow if they don’t find outside help? Do old habits continue, and are seeds planted for more problems later on?
An Empty Cradle, a Full Heart: Reflections for Mothers and Fathers (Lafser)
FAITH-BASED
This collection of more than a hundred short meditations beautifully interweaves the very real feelings of bereaved parents with Scripture passages that provide comfort, direction, and a sense of hope.
Healing a Father's Grief (Schatz)
A father whose son died at age 9 gives information and kindly advice to help grieving fathers. Wives and others who care about grieving fathers will also benefit from this easy to read booklet that offers comfort and understanding to ease the pain of loss.
When Bad Things Happen to Good People (Kushner)
Written by a Rabbi facing his own child's fatal illness. Guides us through the inadequacies of the traditional answers to the problem of evil and then provides a uniquely practical and compassionate answer that has appealed to millions of readers across all religious creeds.
Parenthood Lost: Healing the Pain After Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Death (Berman)
Guides the reader through the wrenching anguish of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death
When Men Grieve: Why Men Grieve Differently & How You Can Help (Levang)
Straightforward portrayal of men and grief
Miscarriage: A Man's Book (Wheat)
The author talks to men about their wives' sorrow, their own struggles, and how to support each other
Heartworks (Petersen)
Explores the paralyzing depths of grief, the awesome power of love, and the incredible light of hope
Strong and Tender - A Guide for the Father Whose Baby Has Died (Schwiebert)
Gives dads permission to feel their pain and help them understand some of the responses they’re having to the death of their child
Miscarriages Hurt Men, Too (Burdon)
Men from around the world tell their stories. They share their mistakes and offer a word of advice.
Stillborn: The Invisible Death (Defrain and Martens)
Drawing on the moving and eloquent testimony of 350 parents of stillborn babies, it explores such topics as blame, shock, and guilt; seeing, holding, and remembering the baby; the autopsy and funeral; effects on family relationships, including moving and divorce; thoughts of suicide; increased substance abuse; surviving children and subsequent pregnancies; returning to normal; and reaching out to others.
For Better or Worse: For Couples Whose Child Has Died (Doerr)
Written to help strengthen marriages after a child dies. Explores the differences in gender grief, building your relationship after your child dies, how to help each other heal
Healing Together: For Couples Whose Baby Died (Lister & Lovell)
Covers ideas from the memorial service to talking together, information on how men and women grieve differently, and how to strengthen your relationship after the loss of your baby
A Father's Grief
(Author Unknown)
It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong."
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's all right
And what she is going through.
But seldom do they take his hand,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby, too.
(Author Unknown)
It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong."
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's all right
And what she is going through.
But seldom do they take his hand,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby, too.
Tim Nelson's Blog: http://fathersgrievinginfantloss.blogspot.com/
Tim and his wife Monica experienced the full-term stillbirth of their second child, Kathleen. While that was a number of years ago, Tim has stayed connected to the issue through his writing and speaking on the topic of father's grief. He, like many men, had trouble talking about his feelings after his daughter's death. His blog is a place for dads to share their thoughts about what they are experiencing and to find support from other dads. Tim is also the author of A Guide for Father's: When a Baby Dies.
David Hansen: I Hate This Blog (A Blog Without the Baby)
Hansen wrote I Hate This (A Play Without the Baby). It's a solo performance that takes you from the moment his son was born and through the year that follows . . . but not in that order. It's "an honest, horrible, and even humorous trip through one father's experience with stillbirth."
M.E.N.D. (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death)
This Christian, non-profit organization reaches out to families who have suffered the loss of a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death. This link takes you to their section for grieving fathers: www.mend.org/newsletters/vol3iss1.htm
Webhealing.com:
Since 1995, webhealing.com has been an interactive website for the bereaved, offering discussion boards for men and women, articles, links, and memorial pages. Tom Golden originated this site. He is an internationally known psychotherapist, author, and speaker on the topic of healing from loss. You can read excerpts from his books on this site. His books include Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing and A Man You Know is Grieving: 12 Ideas for Helping Him Heal From Loss.
Articles and information (including personal stories):
www.menweb.org/mangrief.htm
www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Duffy1.html
members.tripod.com/~Tamy/father.html
Anger/grief: www.webhealing.com/3anger.html
www.selfgrowth.com/articles/How_to_Deal_with_Your_Anger_When_Mourning.html
Pregnancy after loss: www.rcpsych.ac.uk/pressparliament/pressreleasearchive/pr761.aspx
Miscarriage: preconception.com/resources/articles/makingsense.htm
http://www.preconception.com/articles/miscarriage/men-and-miscarriage-1412/
